🚍Step-siblings In Constellation

We often get the stereotype of the evil stepmother in fairytales.

In constellation, that’s because the order of the family is not right. Step mothers are exerting their influence over the step-children.

One of the key principles is that those who come before in the family are greater.

Hence, if there’s a dad who had a kid, divorced, then remarried, we don’t see the second wife who comes in as a “stepmother”.

The stepmother comes after, and principally it’s better to act as a friend to the kid instead. For anything serious with parenting issues, the kid should still go back to the father.

While it may sound tough on some stepmothers or stepfathers who are attempting to take care of the kid, the essential principle is just being the kid’s friend instead of seeing ourselves as having authority over them if you’re the stepparents.

I don’t think it’s meant to diminish the value of what stepparents are providing; rather, it's just a form of respect towards the boundaries. After all, there are many successful parents who ask their kids to treat them like a friend.

This way, the kid would still feel their previous relationship — which whether we like it or not will still matter for the kid — is being honored and still matters. This kind of order matters in constellation work.

For the kids whom the dad has with the second wife, instead of labeling them “half-brother” or “half-sister,” we just use the term “brother” or “sister.” My understanding is for the earlier kid to recognize this next kid as being part of their field and family since they share the same parent.

This way, the family order is recognized and there’s more harmony in the space.